And In The Long Dark

A Love Song for One Not Expected to Return

And in the long dark of waiting,
Jacob sighed and asked Rachel,
Who wasn't there,
Would you miss me, Rachel,
More if I were dead,
And you knew it, than you do
Now when I'm alive and you don't?

How Was I Supposed to Know?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vF-eHoMF228

And on the day we said goodbye,
How was I to know that I
Would be left with a little ghost

to haunt me

I told you I wasn't sure I could live without you.
You got angry and demanded, "How can you say that?"
But now I'm afraid I may have turned out to be right.

Things I wish I'd done instead
Crowd me on the sidewalks of my mind

And the darkness comes to find me,
Second chances disappear.

--

Gently

Do you remember what I consider the Quiet Afternoon?
Your expectant air led me into saying true but
foolish things to you. I didn't know if you'd come back,
but you did; and we never spoke of such things again.


You were so gentle with me
When you let me know
You didn't love me;
You were even careful not to say,
I do not love you.

-

Listen

Listen
to my heart breaking
and taking
consolation therein.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9cGMoN0DnQ

Post Script from Italy

Come and study Italian with me,
And then I'll put to sea
All lesser concerns, and inscribe
These words - so accurate a depiction
Of the relationship of your eyes
To my heart - to you on a
Musical score which will touch your
Open heart:

Io parto, amati lumi,
rimirat'il dolor della partita
in queste fronte pallid'e smarrita.

Io parto, occhi sereni,
fra contanto martir non mi negate
un guardo, non d'amor, ma di pietate.

Io part', o stelle, o soli,
occhi numi del cor ch'in terr'adoro
io parto, io parto, ahi! non più part', io moro.

Sospir, tormenti e doglie
fidi compagni miei, querele e pianti,
venit', io parto, addio diletti e canti.

Addio rise, addio gioie,
addio candidi giorini e felici ore,
restate seco in compagna d'amore.

Final Posting: a technical note

A Technical Note

This is just to say,
Only a technical note really,
That as of today,
I am stopping posting:
No, my feelings have not changed,
Deepened maybe. A new photo,
Sepia-toned, breaks my heart again.
Everything I love in your face
Is in that photo, and you
Looked happy - God bless you, I hope you are -
Next to the note which says, "Gone whale watching!"
Oh, I hope you submerge together in a sea
Of happiness, and if I never see you again,
Still you will keep inspiring my Return in Italy
As Caterina Martinelli inspired her Claudia,
And, who knows, life transforms itself into
So many strange shapes, maybe there will be
A return for us.

In any case,
I am so thankful I did not
Die that day
.that day before I had tasted
.the full mystery of life and seen your face,
.the face I love,
.the love I carry.
Oh, I'll always carry the hope
You may think of me one more time.

Here's a final wish for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdCVlmmnOzA

Trying to Forget You

You won't believe the hours
I've spent looking at your picture,
Trying to forget you.

Not the smartest thing, is it?
But it's all I can do,
So there it is.

-

Goodbye

Rachel,

You were a string player before
you became a singer, and this
song has nice strings. It's my
goodbye song to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpbMitv5Ypo

If I'm lucky enough to die before
you, I can hope you'll someday know
how I feel about you. I do believe
life is a mystery, and love unlimits us;
but will you be surprised when my letters
arrive and you come upon these poems
and you realize about the Swedish
Girl letter, Papageno's Gift and Torna,
Torna and Love Songs for One
Not Expected to Return, that they were
all written for you, all my trying to make
sense of my love for you.

I bet you'll be astounded to know that
for me the mystery of my life and my work -
what is the difference for the true artist
really? - has all been tied up in you.

If I never said I loved you,
Now you know I tried,
Babe, now you know I tried.

I love you, Rachel. Goodbye.

Oh Rachel

Oh, Rachel,
I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you,

But

Time to let you go.
am I able?

Goodbye, Rachel.

Nothing Tonight

Nothing tonight,
Nothing but missing you.
Death speaks,

"Let your words go and live in her
And you come and die in me,
For you will be more alive if your
Thoughts live where you desire to be,
Than if you keep living, knowing that
She never thinks of you."

Not Impossible, No

For some reason I can hear Mona Golabek,
the host of the Romantic Hours reading this
poem outloud. I hope I haven't unconsciously
plagiarized it, or at least the refrain.

If so my apologies to the poet, but what
can you expect when you capture another's
feelings so intimately.

IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE

It is not impossible;
It is possible
To fall in love with
Someone incapable of
Returning your love.

It is not impossible;
It is possible
For your love to
Grow despite her never
Returning your love.


It is not impossible;
It is possible
You will suffer and
Suffer intensely and
Learn then surely that

It is not impossible;
It is possible
To love and suffer
Without her, yes, without
Her ever knowing.

It is not impossible,
No, not impossible at all;
It is possible
After all, to love, and
Have your love grow
And yet remain alone.

It is not impossible,
No, not impossible at all;
It is possible, quite possible.

-

When the World Was Round

Rachel, when I come across something like this,
you're the only one I want to share it with.
So many times I wish I could share something
which has touched me - with you, only with you. 
I am so alone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsT8ZLvAPh4&feature=related

You win some, you lose some
You only got two shots, so you take one
(what have you done)

'Cause everybody lies 'n' we're stuck in the middle
I think I liked it better when the world was round
There's too much information but not enough to go on
I think I liked it better when the world was round
And I don't think we deserve this
No I don't think we deserve this
I think I liked it better when the world was round

I love you so much, Rachel, will you ever know?

---

Rachel's Gaze

Oh how I miss the way
You used to listen to me.
You listened with your eyes,
In patience glistening brighter,
The quieter you grew.

Has anyone told you, your eyes
Shine more brightly when someone
Reaches the intelligence in you?

So unpretentious the line
Of your thought, and yet
No one comprehends as
Effortlessly as you how
Incomprehensible is beauty.

You were the only one
Who ever measured with
Your attention, how shallow
Were my words compared
To the depth of their source.

You forgave my shallow words,
Though you were alert and noticed,
And you always kept listening
As if I were worth hearing.

No one else listens to me
The same way.

Life Forgives

For the longest time I thought this song
was "Life forgives," and then I realized
Joey Ramone wrote it when he knew he
was going to die.

This is better than any other version
I can find on utbube in my druncken
state. Please play it now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm4df-lnWzU&feature=related

"So don't be sad, Rachel, don't be sad at all."

And please forgive me, Rachel, forgive me
I never would embarass you with my love if
I could help it. I only
spilled all this out on these pages, because I was
scared otherwise it would come out in some
other ultimately hurtful way rather than here where
no one, even you probably, will ever see it.

loss, silence

All That Is Lost

My best boy chum, Hurt, is working on something
you might call concrete poetry, or you might call
conceptual art, but I kind of want to steal it for
tonight, just the words, not the color and impact.

Of course in the end, Rachel,
all that is lost
is
you.

If he doesn't like it, I'll take it down. Consider
this just a pale, pale preview:


ALL THAT IS LOST

all that is lost
all that is
- - - - __lost
all that is
------------l
-------------o
--------------s
----------------
------------------s

The Silent Island

I live on a silent island.

Oh, there are birds singing lovely melodies,
The sound of the water can be soothing,
But there are no human voices answering.

There is a noisy lei of islands nearby
With a beautiful but crabby neighbor,
But she has lost the capacity of
Human speech and speaks to our children
In sound strings neither they nor I understand.

My ears are full of noises
But my island is silent, because
No answer to my words ever comes.

Luckily my island is full of bottles,
And every day or so, I fill one
With a message and toss it into the water,
Hoping it will reach someone,
Someone who will take the time to read it.

Though I hope for no return in my silence.

Love In the Balance

I have felt there was a balance
In the world, necessary, yes,
Between pleasant and unpleasant,
Pleasurable and unpleasurable,
Life and death, joy and pain,
Comfort and rest.

When lucky in love
We should be grateful
To the miserable
Who make our love possible;
When unlucky,
We should feel useful
And know the happiness of the happy
Is built on our essential
Loneliness.

So without you, I hope
To live in the gratitude
Of Happy Lovers!
__________

Forgive me, Rachel

Forgive me, Rachel,
I thought I could live without you,
And perhaps I could live without you,
But how can I live
Without your smile,
without your infectious laugh,
so sudden and merry;
And how can I live
Without your waiting eyes,
Or without your hands,
so elegant, so carelessly perfect.

Without these things,
Can I live?
How can I live?
How can I live without you?
I do not know.


--

I Hear Music Up Above

I know I loved you too much
I'll go alone to get through.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLG9ERQOdBw



---------------

Is Friendship Possible?

... I should refuse (to think of) you.

The cracked bells and washed-out horns
Blow into my face with scorn,
But it's not that way,
I wasn't born to lose you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhOc0V-ES40

----

The Quiet Space

I was trapped by the quiet space
In which we looked at each other.

The moment tempted me to speak,

And:
If I said too much, I said.
Well,
you've said a lot, you said.

You went away, and I thought you
Might never come back.
When you came back,

we never Spoke again in such a quiet space.

And then you went away again,
And now I live within a different quiet.
-----

April's Fool

I am the April Fool,
Hoping still
You will say,
Come hear me sing,
Listen to me sing.

But I suspect you never will,
And like a magic trick
By Phil Goldstein's daughter,
You will disappear.

Must I say goodbye?
I should say goodbye, Rachel,
But I may be - forgive me - unable.


-----------

Rachel, After What I've Learned

Rachel, after what I've learned
I love you more than ever,
Though it feels as if time's running out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYJjHCZN46U

Rachel, I Saw the Picture

Rachel, I saw the picture of you
and it was painful to look at.

For your hand is posed so elegantly,
it breaks my heart into painful pieces
which float inside, wounding and wounding.

Yes, I am preparing to forget you;
I even think I can forget your luminous eyes
Which so often surprised me with waiting,
But how can I forget the perfect elegance
Of your hand thoughtlessly posed.

---------------------------------

April's Song

I've always understood the poet who loved Italian
When he spoke of the cruelty of the spring,
And it seems he is finally right,
The coming April will be the cruelest yet
When your mind glances over my name
And chooses to forget.

Yes, I am preparing to forget you,
When April proves as cruel
As the resistance I found in you
Proved fascinating to me.

Oh, Rachel, call me back with a song.

A Little Mean

Okay, Rachel, this link's a little mean
but it does catch how almost anything
can make me think of you. I'm hoping
you'll laugh at the part about "reading
a book."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PXiRzBZ_Ig&feature=related

Preparation

I was all prepared to remember you,
To keep your images, your eyes,
Which again and again surprised me,
On the front pages of my book
Of memory, and think of you often,
And come to your concerts and perhaps
Even share coffee now and then.
I didn't pretend, these moments
Would mean as much to you as me,
Or that I could be your Richard Bonynge,
But I thought at least you'd enjoy
Having me at the edges of your life
Wishing you well, oh what the hell,
I won't go where I'm not wanted.
And I fear, no I see clear,
The moment is coming when I can't deny
That you don't care if I know
Whether you live or die.

Whatever may come, whatever may come,
You won't want it to be me - particularly.

And since I not only offered you everything,
I offered you anything you wanted from me,
I'll respect your indifference and try
To give you what you haven't asked:

I am preparing to forget you.

ALREADY

I can feel it closing in,
Inevitably now, no,
Not the losing of you,
No, that can't happen.

Some thing's that happen once
Just can't happen again.

I can feel it closer now,
Too painful by far, no
Not the losing of you,
No, it's not the losing

But the admitting to myself
There is nothing to lose.

And When the Time Comes to Say Goodbye

And when the time comes to say goodbye,
Will you even know I've left?
These memories and thoughts of you
Make me feel alive, but these, these
Precious movements of mind
May grow too clear and painful
In the silence

I can feel coming towards me.

I Asked Myself a Question

This made me think of you.
Why not listen, Rachel, while you
read, Oh You Who Are Not Reading This:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9cGMoN0DnQ


I asked myself a question.
I asked, "Am I still in love with Rachel?"
And before I could finish and listen,
My heart was swallowing
All the oxygen in my blood;
And there was a rushing vacuum
Inside me; but it wasn't enough;
All my insides weren't enough,
And my heart grew lightheaded
And dizzy and began to vibrate
And was in no shape
To answer any more questions.

Rachel of Chicago

How is it you haunt me,
And yet you're still alive?

Chicago, Rachel,
Knowing you're still here - somewhere -
Has never been more alive,
Though I never see you.

The truth is the streets of Chicago
Are more alive than ever,
With pain;
And the most painful truth is this:

She of the luminous eyes
Does not love you.

Thoughts In The Rain

Having to Laugh on Getting Caught In A
Chilling Rain and Realizing You, While
Always Sympathetic, Wouldn't Really Care

It's time to start forgetting you,
But I'm not sure it's something I can do.
It might be far easier, you see,
If you hadn't already forgotten me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlP2KjswmL0

Dolce mia vita sei

When English just isn't enough, Rachel:

Dolce mia vita sei,
lieto mio ben sarai....

Haven't You Heard

Haven't you heard my eyes already
Tell you what my tongue can not say,
That our eyes were made to be side by side
Looking at the world together when
They're not facing each other's looking in.

Happy Birthday, Rachel II

" ... living a life
I can't leave behind"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJ1c9ErCn7w

"I feel fine. I feel good.
I feel like I never should.
Whenever I feel this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be together
Just like yesterday....

Yes, I admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then we'll never see
Just what we're meant to be."

Still, I love you, Rachel, and

"Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
Waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say."

Happy Birthday, Rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0KlAHd7dGI&feature=related

Put to this in another tab and then come back and read this post
while you listen.

It's Strauss's Ein Heldenleben, and I heard this section from about
2:15 on in the Fritz Reiner CSO recording tonight on Exploring Music,
and it made me think of you, because I know you like it. (Of
course I was already thinking of you and thinking of your birthday.)
Still hearing it, I hoped you were listening, and we were enjoying it
together. You are a heroine to me, because you have opened your
life to beauty and have refused to just settle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BT3Q_BIIRJM&feature=related

Happy Birthday, Rachel, I love you.
I could never give you anything that compares
with the joy and new life you have given me.

Not a Day Goes By

Happy Valentine's Day, Rachel.
This song says it all, and then more
than I'd like to be honest.

I'd never add the bit about "paying."
I'm just grateful for every moment I've
had with you. It's all good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kMlQgyz834&feature=related

Fragments

What are these fragments
Of thought dropped into words
On a page?
Are they poems?
No, they're the working notes
Of an otherwise quiet passion.

Springlike

Today felt like a spring day,
Spring so wonderful outside you;
But so painful inside me, Rachel
Without you.
Without you, Rachel,
Part of me wishes it were always winter.

Dream A Little Dream with Yoooouu!

I'd love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And hear you tell me why
I must keep working on

And I'd keep you working on too. This song makes me dream
of you, Rachel. The whole idea of working and resting together
as the heart of a loving relationship. It's all I wish I could have
with you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1qIW1dLo4w&feature=related

I'd do anything to keep you singing, and
I know you'd do the same for my art.

I'd give this world
Just to dream
A little dream with you
On our bed of ....

Romantic Hour, Rachel

The Romantic Hour, Rachel,
Saturday Night set aside for
Thoughts of you.

The Reality Hour, Rachel,
Set aside for what I find most real:
Thoughts of you.

The Rachel Hour, Rachel,
What else do I have but
Thoughts of you.

Thoughts of you. Happy Time,
Saturday night alone set aside for
Thoughts of you,

But next Saturday is Valentine's Day,
Look out! How happy will it prove -
My intense aloneness with
Thoughts of you.


PS: I have to admit I fear Valentine's Day
this year. Just have to get through it,
I guess. Sunday Morning has never looked
so good.

One of my friend Hurt's strange little found photoworks
deals with Valentine's Day. He has written
in pencil these generous words over the image of
a joyful dancer, and I try to offer them in the same
spirit of generosity to you, my beloved:

It's Unfair AND Stupid
by Hurt McDermott

It's unfair & stupid
That manufactured holidays
Should have such a hold
Over us, but they do.

The more powerful the imagination,
The more vulnerable.

Oh be happy!
Be Happy on Valentine's Day
Without me.

Double Bind

Oh, Rachel, do you realize already I'm in love
with you. If I leave Leah, I'm afraid knowing that
I do love you will make you think I left her for you,
but if things were okay with Leah I wouldn't leave,
no matter what I felt for anyone else, even you.

And if I still saw you every weekday, I wouldn't
leave her either, because your being around made
our life bearable.

But it's becoming unbearable. It's true I'm in a
double bind. If I still loved Leah, I could deal
with my feelings for you, but Leah is angry
and disappointed with me to the point I can't take
it anymore. I was at this point when you came,
but you made me so happy, I could ignore it.

If I were stronger, I'd be the person Leah
wants me to be, which means giving up being
an artist. But I'll be an artist until I die.

If I hadn't met you, I could deal with the pressure
to leave Leah, and I won't leave her; but you are
there to focus my mind in all sorts of ways I
would not have chosen. Oh thank God for you,
Rachel, you have saved me, even if in a very
painful way.

Rachel and Poetry

One day back when Rachel was helping me get
better, and we were out walking on a cold day,
I quoted her the last stanza of this poem
by Yeats:

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

I had told Rachel the story of how Yeats loved
Maude Gonne and wrote her this poem,
and Rachel did not find the situation romantic.
She found it a cruelly devastating poem.
And of course I realized she was right. I had
been very influenced by my sophomore high
school English teacher - God bless you, Mrs.
Catran - who said to us, "How could any
woman reject someone who could write such
beautiful poetry." But Rachel saw it for
what it was a revenge fantasy of the rejected.

Still, Rachel, I think you could have a little
pity for those of us who love with no hope of
return. Accepting reality, we still want to think
there is something inside our beloved which
will always believe us to be somehow uniquely
special, if not the one.

The alternative is nothing less than unbearable.

I've Never Met a Rachel Yet

I've never met a Rachel yet
Who knew she was named for
The most intensely loved woman
In all the Bible, and you're
No exception, Rachel.

I love the name Rachel;
I love the many personalities
You command in your hair;
I love your gaze, and I love
The color of your eyes
Which I know so well
But could never name.

Song For Leah

I posted a song by Yo La Tengo for Rachel
the other night, here's the flipside song by
the same band for Leah. Yeah, I know it's
unfair, but no one's paying attention to this
site anyway; it's a steam valve, not a real blog.

Make sure to check out the lyric on the side.
It's a list of the ways the singer disappoints
the one she's singing to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak660F1_neY

Sorry, for disappointing you, Leah, I don't
know how much longer I can keep squeezing
the Sugar Cube.

Rachel Out In the Cold

Oh, Rachel, I know you don't like
being out in the cold. I hope
this warms you up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLxcMr9Kv1g&NR=1

I love you so much. I can find no
words of my own. You always
make my life better, but sometimes
I can't take the irony that we were
put just close enough together in time
and space for it to sometimes be
unbearable that we can't be together.

Saturday Night Secret

It's Saturday Night again, the night I spend socially though
alone with thoughts of you. I've never been one for pop psychology,
but I'm hoping this movie, The Secret, about the law of attraction
turns out to be onto something. According to this silly movie,
our thoughts attract reality, which I hope is true, because when
I think of us together, this is what I picture:

Nothing romantic or passionate, I can clearly see us standing
side by side, just happy to be together. You have a smile on
your face, a big one, and we're facing the world together.
And you, who always seem alone to me in the photos I see
of you with other people, you are no longer alone.

Catalog Aria

Rachel, lately I've found myself cataloging
Images of you, your smile; your laugh,
Oh God, how I love your laugh with that bit of surprise
It always contains; your unique gaze - has anyone else
Noticed this but me; the way you wait; the way
Your hand touches your face; your face, so beautiful;
Your openess to beauty; your complete lack of pretension;
Your love of Mahler's orchestration; your ego which should
Be so much bigger; the way you eat as a true companion,
Your good-humor and undying cheerfulness,
The troubled sleep you took in my bed once when I
Nursed you and fed you lunch before sending you home;
Your determination in the face of puzzles and models;
Your hair of the many faces, your face of the such constancy;
Your way of patiently moving your look over to me
As if you know I've been waiting, and your eyes come,
Without hurry, without resentment and with generosity.

And then there are the images of moments
Imagined and longed for but never realized:
You curled up next to me through a night
When for once I don't sleep as to not waste
The comfort of being next to you,
Rather than not sleeping from
Wondering if you ever think of me?
I imagine the meals I would cook for you.
I imagine the changes in your life,
The travels to Italy and New York together.

So many other things.
So much nicer to imagine them than
To wonder if you ever think of me?
Do you ever think of me?

Rachel, Redeemer of Banal Pop Music

Rachel, there are songs out there I just
wouldn't like - in fact I don't like - but
there's a line or something which captures
my feelings for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwJtKava4Wo

This James Taylor song just wouldn't do it
for me, but he sings

Everytime I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself.

And this is so true of me. I often think you could never
know me, just because you cheer me up so much. When
you're not around, I'm much less happy. Wonderful you.
I still can't really enjoy the whole song, but I'll still play
over and over the one line in my head while walking down
the street.

And here's a song I know Rachel doesn't like,
but for me though I want to believe but can't
in the lines:

And all the roads that lead you on are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding

as if they might someday lead to Rachel and myself
being together, there is one line that makes me cling
to this song, which I never liked until one lovesick
day by a skating rink, I heard it and linked it to Rachel,
especially the line I can't help but find true:

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hzrDeceEKc

Saturday Night With Rachel Somewhere Else

Oh Rachel, My Sylvaine,
My Only Beloved Rachel,
Your name sets the meter for my poetry;
And I set aside my Saturday nights
To be without you,
To be intensely without you.

Oh Rachel, all other times you are
In my mind and in my heart,
Because thoughts of you will be there
And I can do nothing but submit
With the love which makes my mind so
Hospitable a home for thoughts of you.

But Saturday nights - all alone and yet
At my most sociable! - I have to write you,
Either in my notebook, or on this screen,
Or on scraps meant for burning.
When you came to call me back from death,
I saw I liked you, but I did not suspect
The Love to come. When I first realized
I loved you, I felt no urgency. It was a crush,
Surely it would go away. But then I realized
Soon you would go away, and I panicked
Into the most desperate love,
The love where I still live now.

Could I live without you?
Truly I did not know.
Truly I do not know now.

I wrote over and over in my notebook,
Don't tell Leah
Don't tell Rachel
Don't tell your family
Don't tell your sister
Tell this notebook.

Write! I wrote. Writing has been the way
For me to keep to myself all the thoughts
Which must be stored in secrecy.
Yes, I write to not be read, and yet if only ....

But it will never be:
Lucky I guess, and so
Saturday Nights I write.

The Very Thought of You

During the day, there are so many
Distractions from you, and yet
You are always waiting right there
When my mind returns to its center.

At night, it's impossible to believe
We will not finally end together, knowing
We were made one for another in some
Unknown form or some unexpected familiarity.

Friday Night, Restless Days

I saw you again last week.
It was so easy, I invited you,
And you came, and you smiled,
Your eyes shone, and it was
Easy and free and just the same
As it used to be, and our eyes
Held steadily jut before you left.

Oh, but was it a mistake? Cause
Ever since, my heart's been breaking
At an increasingly painful speed.

No, it was no mistake. If I can't hold you,
Then I need to hold to your absent gaze,
And onto the pain which disturbs
My nights and gives life to my days.

If You Could Read My Mind, Leah

I can't believe I'm linking to this.
When I was younger I would have
looked down on it horribly as I was a horrible
snob. But hearing it tonight on The Midnight
Special,

"And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost you can not see"

I gasped when I heard that line. Shock of
recognition indeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta0a3DFUU0Y



I'd go farther and say there's an intriguing
relationship between extravagant striving for artfulness (just why I used to look down on it)
and complete artlessness - though he's obviously aware
it's hokey as the "paperback hero" makes clear,
but he believes in the hokiness just as he believes in his
old fashioned singing style. Art that covers artlessness which I
guess I'd call honesty. Notice, and this is very important.
He continues calling her Love.

You Smiled

I want to apologize if I've caused you any trouble.
It just seems it would be unfair to you,
Since you've caused this hurricane of emotion
In my life, if you were to know nothing of it.

I was so happy seeing you each day.
I didn't care it wasn't romantic.
I told you I thought we were friends.
You smiled as if, of course we are,
And your smile braced me and
Then broke my heart.

How gladly I would have
My heart broken every day still.
How little good it does me whole
Without you around to be loved.

Rachel's Gaze

How does it come about that you're the one?
What's special about you?
What distinguishes you above
All others so that your absence
Is my most faithful companion?

Only you are Cinderella and don't
Cease to exist at the midnight
Of your disappearance, but slip
Onto my mind's looking glass where
Nothing is more real than your pale reflection.

The funny thing is if I had not offered
To take your picture, I might never
Have really seen your eyes,
That particular to you inside-out look of them,
The beauty of their unique gaze,
Your gaze, my love, holding both
You and the world in careful reserve.

It was that moment - the moment
I viewed you as an artist does,
Impersonally - that I was lost.

UnHAppy New year

A New Year:
Can I live
Through one with
Out you, Dear?

Do I care?
Without you
I do not
Care one bit.
----------Hurt McDermott
------UNHAPPY NEW YEAR

Still drunk, I'm afraid. Leah's in bed, and I dug up this little
ditty by my good friend, Hurt, from the days before, before ....

Before that which can not be put into words.

Happy New Year 2009

Happy New Year, Rachel!
I'm thinkin of you.
Are you thinking of me?