Rachel, After What I've Learned

Rachel, after what I've learned
I love you more than ever,
Though it feels as if time's running out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYJjHCZN46U

Rachel, I Saw the Picture

Rachel, I saw the picture of you
and it was painful to look at.

For your hand is posed so elegantly,
it breaks my heart into painful pieces
which float inside, wounding and wounding.

Yes, I am preparing to forget you;
I even think I can forget your luminous eyes
Which so often surprised me with waiting,
But how can I forget the perfect elegance
Of your hand thoughtlessly posed.

---------------------------------

April's Song

I've always understood the poet who loved Italian
When he spoke of the cruelty of the spring,
And it seems he is finally right,
The coming April will be the cruelest yet
When your mind glances over my name
And chooses to forget.

Yes, I am preparing to forget you,
When April proves as cruel
As the resistance I found in you
Proved fascinating to me.

Oh, Rachel, call me back with a song.

A Little Mean

Okay, Rachel, this link's a little mean
but it does catch how almost anything
can make me think of you. I'm hoping
you'll laugh at the part about "reading
a book."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PXiRzBZ_Ig&feature=related

Preparation

I was all prepared to remember you,
To keep your images, your eyes,
Which again and again surprised me,
On the front pages of my book
Of memory, and think of you often,
And come to your concerts and perhaps
Even share coffee now and then.
I didn't pretend, these moments
Would mean as much to you as me,
Or that I could be your Richard Bonynge,
But I thought at least you'd enjoy
Having me at the edges of your life
Wishing you well, oh what the hell,
I won't go where I'm not wanted.
And I fear, no I see clear,
The moment is coming when I can't deny
That you don't care if I know
Whether you live or die.

Whatever may come, whatever may come,
You won't want it to be me - particularly.

And since I not only offered you everything,
I offered you anything you wanted from me,
I'll respect your indifference and try
To give you what you haven't asked:

I am preparing to forget you.

ALREADY

I can feel it closing in,
Inevitably now, no,
Not the losing of you,
No, that can't happen.

Some thing's that happen once
Just can't happen again.

I can feel it closer now,
Too painful by far, no
Not the losing of you,
No, it's not the losing

But the admitting to myself
There is nothing to lose.

And When the Time Comes to Say Goodbye

And when the time comes to say goodbye,
Will you even know I've left?
These memories and thoughts of you
Make me feel alive, but these, these
Precious movements of mind
May grow too clear and painful
In the silence

I can feel coming towards me.

I Asked Myself a Question

This made me think of you.
Why not listen, Rachel, while you
read, Oh You Who Are Not Reading This:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9cGMoN0DnQ


I asked myself a question.
I asked, "Am I still in love with Rachel?"
And before I could finish and listen,
My heart was swallowing
All the oxygen in my blood;
And there was a rushing vacuum
Inside me; but it wasn't enough;
All my insides weren't enough,
And my heart grew lightheaded
And dizzy and began to vibrate
And was in no shape
To answer any more questions.

Rachel of Chicago

How is it you haunt me,
And yet you're still alive?

Chicago, Rachel,
Knowing you're still here - somewhere -
Has never been more alive,
Though I never see you.

The truth is the streets of Chicago
Are more alive than ever,
With pain;
And the most painful truth is this:

She of the luminous eyes
Does not love you.

Thoughts In The Rain

Having to Laugh on Getting Caught In A
Chilling Rain and Realizing You, While
Always Sympathetic, Wouldn't Really Care

It's time to start forgetting you,
But I'm not sure it's something I can do.
It might be far easier, you see,
If you hadn't already forgotten me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlP2KjswmL0

Dolce mia vita sei

When English just isn't enough, Rachel:

Dolce mia vita sei,
lieto mio ben sarai....

Haven't You Heard

Haven't you heard my eyes already
Tell you what my tongue can not say,
That our eyes were made to be side by side
Looking at the world together when
They're not facing each other's looking in.

Happy Birthday, Rachel II

" ... living a life
I can't leave behind"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJ1c9ErCn7w

"I feel fine. I feel good.
I feel like I never should.
Whenever I feel this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be together
Just like yesterday....

Yes, I admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then we'll never see
Just what we're meant to be."

Still, I love you, Rachel, and

"Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
Waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say."

Happy Birthday, Rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0KlAHd7dGI&feature=related

Put to this in another tab and then come back and read this post
while you listen.

It's Strauss's Ein Heldenleben, and I heard this section from about
2:15 on in the Fritz Reiner CSO recording tonight on Exploring Music,
and it made me think of you, because I know you like it. (Of
course I was already thinking of you and thinking of your birthday.)
Still hearing it, I hoped you were listening, and we were enjoying it
together. You are a heroine to me, because you have opened your
life to beauty and have refused to just settle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BT3Q_BIIRJM&feature=related

Happy Birthday, Rachel, I love you.
I could never give you anything that compares
with the joy and new life you have given me.

Not a Day Goes By

Happy Valentine's Day, Rachel.
This song says it all, and then more
than I'd like to be honest.

I'd never add the bit about "paying."
I'm just grateful for every moment I've
had with you. It's all good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kMlQgyz834&feature=related

Fragments

What are these fragments
Of thought dropped into words
On a page?
Are they poems?
No, they're the working notes
Of an otherwise quiet passion.

Springlike

Today felt like a spring day,
Spring so wonderful outside you;
But so painful inside me, Rachel
Without you.
Without you, Rachel,
Part of me wishes it were always winter.

Dream A Little Dream with Yoooouu!

I'd love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And hear you tell me why
I must keep working on

And I'd keep you working on too. This song makes me dream
of you, Rachel. The whole idea of working and resting together
as the heart of a loving relationship. It's all I wish I could have
with you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1qIW1dLo4w&feature=related

I'd do anything to keep you singing, and
I know you'd do the same for my art.

I'd give this world
Just to dream
A little dream with you
On our bed of ....

Romantic Hour, Rachel

The Romantic Hour, Rachel,
Saturday Night set aside for
Thoughts of you.

The Reality Hour, Rachel,
Set aside for what I find most real:
Thoughts of you.

The Rachel Hour, Rachel,
What else do I have but
Thoughts of you.

Thoughts of you. Happy Time,
Saturday night alone set aside for
Thoughts of you,

But next Saturday is Valentine's Day,
Look out! How happy will it prove -
My intense aloneness with
Thoughts of you.


PS: I have to admit I fear Valentine's Day
this year. Just have to get through it,
I guess. Sunday Morning has never looked
so good.

One of my friend Hurt's strange little found photoworks
deals with Valentine's Day. He has written
in pencil these generous words over the image of
a joyful dancer, and I try to offer them in the same
spirit of generosity to you, my beloved:

It's Unfair AND Stupid
by Hurt McDermott

It's unfair & stupid
That manufactured holidays
Should have such a hold
Over us, but they do.

The more powerful the imagination,
The more vulnerable.

Oh be happy!
Be Happy on Valentine's Day
Without me.

Double Bind

Oh, Rachel, do you realize already I'm in love
with you. If I leave Leah, I'm afraid knowing that
I do love you will make you think I left her for you,
but if things were okay with Leah I wouldn't leave,
no matter what I felt for anyone else, even you.

And if I still saw you every weekday, I wouldn't
leave her either, because your being around made
our life bearable.

But it's becoming unbearable. It's true I'm in a
double bind. If I still loved Leah, I could deal
with my feelings for you, but Leah is angry
and disappointed with me to the point I can't take
it anymore. I was at this point when you came,
but you made me so happy, I could ignore it.

If I were stronger, I'd be the person Leah
wants me to be, which means giving up being
an artist. But I'll be an artist until I die.

If I hadn't met you, I could deal with the pressure
to leave Leah, and I won't leave her; but you are
there to focus my mind in all sorts of ways I
would not have chosen. Oh thank God for you,
Rachel, you have saved me, even if in a very
painful way.